Today was your due date
Today, I weep tears of disappointment. I weep for the child that you never got to be.
We were supposed to have a baby today. But our Father had different plans for us.
He decided that for whatever reason, today was not meant to be the day. And this baby wasn’t to be ours. Instead he is looking after a teeny tiny angel up in Heaven.
Miscarriage affects us all differently.
For some, it is the heartbreaking loss of their first child, a child that parents have desperately hoped for and prayed for. For some, it is a disappointing loss and the mourning of what will never be. For some, it is just another heavy cycle. And for some, it is a relief of something so very scary.
But whatever it may be for someone, it is something. It is a feeling – both emotionally and physically.
On 25th November 2015, MC and I had a positive pregnancy test. I was a few days late and just ‘had a feeling’ and my instinct was right. Again. We were planning on getting pregnant, we weren’t actively trying to have Baby #3 but the test proved otherwise. For the next five days, our shock became pure joy and mental planning. We were adding to our family, our girls were going to have a sibling – 2016 was a year that we would welcome a sweet baby into our family.
But on that Sunday, I woke to heavy bleeding and terrible cramps and after 48 hours of pure hell, our gynae confirmed that we had suffered a miscarriage. Our sweet little babe had come away and there was no little life growing inside me anymore.
MC and I are strong people. And together, we can conquer anything.
It was a sad time for us – MC’s dreams of being a Dad of 3 were shattered and the possibility of having a son disappeared in a flash. But we have faith, and we have an incredible family of four with two of the amazing daughters and we have a marriage that cannot be broken by anything.
But the little milestones are sad moments.
Christmas Day brought tears as we were going to announce to our families.
The new year brought tears as we were going to announce to the world.
Valentines Day brought tears as we were going to find out the gender.
And today brings tears as your due date.
The date that I was going to give birth to a precious baby girl or our first son.
The date that we were going to become a family of five.
But instead, today I hug our girls a little tighter, plant a kiss on the lips of my partner in crime, and say a little prayer for the baby #3 that I know Jesus will bless us with one day.