If we were to meet for coffee today…
I would order a double thick hot chocolate. Yes, I know I am on a healthy eating plan but today is a bad day. Today is one of those days that would involve comfort eating. I would also tell you that I am a bad comfort eater – I eat when I’m down or sad – definitely not a good thing.
If we met for coffee, I would tell you that I have spent my morning with tears running down my face and mascara smudged across my cheeks. It’s just one of those days. I thought a morning run on the promenade would help, it didn’t. I thought a hot bath with tea would help, it didn’t. I even thought a piece of my favourite Bubbly chocolate would help, it didn’t. Maybe a virtual coffee date would do the trick…
If we met for coffee, I would tell you that it is my sweet Nan’s birthday today. Unfortunately, she is celebrating in Heaven and she has been since 2006. My Nan is my maternal grandmother and the shortest, most petite and most gentle little lady. She was a real lady – she never swore, never shouted and would never do anything crude or disgusting. She basically raised me. She moved into a house close to my school so that I wouldn’t have to attend after care and instead, she would walk me home very day, do my homework with me, take me to extra activities, take me to the library, take me shopping, buy and make my favourite foods and do anything for me. She never complained, ever. She made the best dinners – her spaghetti bolognaise, her chops and mash, her toasted bacon and egg sandwiches, her scones and her crumpets were all so delicious. She had a disgusting maroon, velvet lounge suite (or settee she used to call it) and she loved to watch the soapies. She loved and adored me.
When she started to get old and frail, I decided to give back. I loved spending my free time with her during the week. I would visit her after varsity, take her shopping (make her sit on the bench and then get her groceries in a much speedier time!), I would make her food and force her to have her health shake when she didn’t want to. I would help her read the paper when her eyes got really bad and repeat myself endlessly when she couldn’t hear. I visited her in hospital in her last few days and covered her in aqueous cream to help her aching and dry body. My mom knocked on my door at 1am on the Wednesday evening that she passed away. It was also the day I ended a long term, destructive relationship. We both let go and moved on to our very own greener pastures.
I know she is celebrating her special day with my Pops (an extraordinary man too) and they are sitting in the sun, enjoying a scone and smiling down on us. They are happy that I am happy and they love and care for my hubs and girls from afar. They are always watching out for us, and one day we will meet again.
If we met for coffee, I would tell you that I am ashamed of my body. I was once skinny and toned and I took that figure for granted. I ate too much, drank too much and just didn’t care… Now I have got older and had two children and I have let it slip away. Pregnancy is an unpredictable process on your body and dieting is an unnatural and very difficult form of daily discipline. Each night, I go to bed with the motivation and determination to make the most of the next day – get up and exercise furiously and eat healthily, and be the best I can. And then I fail. Often. Am I always going to be fat and flabby? Am I obsessed with my bad self image?
If we met for coffee, I would tell you that it is my birthday next week. And there has been no countdown. All year. I would tell you that this is weird for me. Maybe I am growing up. Maybe I am not as selfish anymore, it’s not all about me. Maybe I am too busy pouring my energy into other things and other people. Maybe it is just for today. And tomorrow, I will be more excited about it. I would also tell you that I am hoping that the next few days are happier and filled with smiles rather than tears.
If we met for coffee, I would let you know that this is the most vulnerable I have been in a long time. I am putting it all out there. But somehow putting fingers to keyboard has been good for my soul, my heart and has dried away the tears.
Thank for you coming for coffee, I hope you are having a fabulous Thursday.